A man walks into the local television station with his latest try for fame.
"My dog can talk!" he exclaims.
The station owner asks for a demonstration. Smiling confidently, the man proceeds to ask the dog a series of questions.
"What do you call the top of a building?" he asks.
"Roof!" the dog replies.
"What does sandpaper feel like?"
"Rough!" he answers.
"Who is the greatest ball player of all time?"
"Ruth!" comes the reply.
Both man and dog are quickly thrown into the street. As they sit on the curb with long faces, the dog looks up at his master and says, "Maybe I should have said DiMaggio?"
A man leaves his cat with his brother when he goes on vacation for two weeks. While he's away, he calls his brother to ask how things are going.
"Your cat died," the brother says.
The man is very upset and yells, "You know, you could have broken the news to me more gently than that.
"For example, you could have said that my cat had climbed on the roof and wouldn't come down, and that you called the fire department and they tried to rescue him, but he got scared and fell.
"And then, you could have said that you took him to the vet and they did all they could, but that, despite everyone's best efforts, he didn't make it. That's the way to tell the story."
The brother apologizes.
"So how's Mom?" the man asks.
"She's on the roof."