A Sudanese judge has sentenced British teacher Gillian Gibbons to 15 days behind bars, followed by deportation, for inciting religious hatred. Her crime? She allowed her students to name a teddy bear after the prophet Mohammed.

Thank God we don’t live there.

Are you a female high school dropout, between the ages of 16 and 25? Are you tired of doors being slammed in your face? Are you tired of lying around in bed all day with nothing to do? Well, you never need get up again, because in six short weeks, Velvet Jones can train you to be a high-paying ho.

Sound too good to be true? Just send for Velvet’s new book entitled, I Wanna Be a Ho.

Table of contents:

Chapter 1: Making your amateur porn tape
Chapter 2: Releasing your amateur porn tape on the Internet
Chapter 3: Denying you released your amateur porn tape on the Internet
Chapter 4: Taking a cut of the profits from your amateur porn tape
Chapter 5: Hanging out with successful hos
Chapter 6: Cutting a deal to be on the cover of Playboy
Chapter 7: Landing your own reality show

Velvet would be proud.