Ellen: Please give a warm welcome to German chancellor and best-selling author Adolf Hitler!

[ Adolf comes out ]

Adolf: I can’t believe I have to come on a talk show to see you anymore.

Ellen: I know! And I thought I’d see you before the show started.

Adolf: And it didn’t happen.

Ellen: I haven’t seen you for… Thank God I have a talk show or we would never see each other!

Adolf: Exactly. Gutentag!

Ellen: So look at you with that little mustache. You made it even tinier, didn’t you?

Adolf: I know…

Ellen: That’s how long it’s been since I’ve seen you.

Adolf: It’s been this long since you’ve seen me [gestures to change in mustache length]

Ellen: Yeah, it’s been that long. It’s been about six months.

Adolf: You think that’s about six months?

Ellen: I think that’s about six months. And how long have you had those shiny black boots?

Adolf: Umm.. I don’t know.

Ellen: ‘Cause I don’t remember them last time.

Adolf: I’ve had the boots for years but I wear them more than I used to, I suppose. I used to wear shoes more often.

Ellen: Mhmm.

Adolf: Yeah. The people like them. They do the wave when they see me. [does Nazi salute, laughs]

Ellen: Oh, that’s a good excuse.

Adolf: I know. [audience and Adolf laugh] It’s the truth, actually.

Ellen: Do you know that your feet grow?

Adolf: Um, I do now. I did not know that. No, that’s not true, I did know that but I was in denial.

Ellen: That’s right!

Adolf: I was… because you… yeah! I’ve been in denial. Because I used to be a size 10, and now I’m a size 10 1/2.

Ellen: See? I’m right. Um, so uh, I just saw your film, Olympia, and it was — I guess the best word is “majestic.”

Adolf: Danke.

Ellen: How was it working with Leni Riefenstahl?

Adolf: She’s one of the most talented directors I’ve ever worked with. Not only a real professional, but a marvelous person.

Ellen: Oh, and I forgot to congratulate you on being Time‘s Man of the Year!

Adolf: Danke.

Ellen: And now you plan to go to Poland?

Adolf: To western Poland. Stalin will be in the eastern part.

Ellen: Have you bought a place there?

Adolf: I plan to get a place there, as well as in a few other countries.

Ellen: You’re quite the globetrotter now. Very different from your days as a starving artist…

Adolf: Tell me about it, Ellen!

Ellen: And speaking in front of thousands of people. Do you ever get nervous?

Adolf: I used to, but I just pushed myself. I just thought, you know, I mean I was scared to death to be in front of people but I just kept doing it because I wanted to overcome that fear.

Ellen: Yeah. And did it work?

Adolf: Um, yeah –

Ellen: I mean, you seem very relaxed.

Adolf: I am very relaxed now. I feel a lot more comfortable, plus, you know, everybody makes me feel comfortable, so… [gestures to audience]

Ellen: Yeah! [audience cheers] All right, so we have to go to commercial, but I wanted to ask you… when are you going to pop the question to Eva?

Adolf: I knew you’d throw me a curveball eventually!

Ellen: That’s right! Who says I don’t ask tough questions! Don’t worry — you don’t need to answer that one … [laughs]

Adolf: Whew! [gestures as if wiping brow]

Ellen: We’ll be right back.

[ Commercial break ]