Media Orchard announced today that it has hired precocious toddler Poopypants McGee to write most Media Orchard posts for the foreseeable future.

"After an extensive cost-benefit analysis by Media Orchard's parent company, the Idea Grove, we have determined that Idea Grove President Scott Baradell's time is better spent on billable hours, and that writing blog posts is not a cost-effective utilization of his time," said Slap Forehead, the Idea Grove's chief financial officer. "We have thus undertaken a massive worldwide search (in the form of a Craigslist ad) to identify a CARB (Cheap Ass Replacement Blogger) for Scott Baradell."

Adds Meem Littlegay, director of market research for the Idea Grove: "The hiring of CARBs has been a highly efficient tactic used by some of the most widely read blogs in marketing and across all industry sectors. Our research indicates that once a blog reaches a certain threshold of subscribers, people keep coming back to the blog no matter what kind of SAC (Stupid Ass Content) they're slinging. Of course, Media Orchard isn't really at that threshold -- but screw it."

Said Baradell: "Poopypants McGee, age 3 and three quarters, writes posts for a pat on the head and a french fry. How can I compete with that?"

[Image source]

Labels: April Fool's Day, blogging, Marketing Views

Actually, if you don't mind, let's try something else.

See, we generally will not click on a list-based blog post anymore, so if you didn't click on this one for that reason, we don't blame you. (If you did click on this because of the list, bear with us for a moment.)

Lists are about the surest indicator of a lazy mind you will find online these days -- like bulging, vacant eyes are the surest sign of a sociopath.

But since you came here for a list, we'll give you two:

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4 Reasons Bloggers Like Lists

1. You can write a list without knowing how to write. No need to organize your thoughts into a natural narrative flow. No need to build momentum around a thesis. Any idiot can put two sentences (or in this case, three sentences) together and then go on to the number 2.

2. Lists confer an authority you don't really have. It's great to read a post from a 19-year-old Digger who says there are "8 Ways" to do anything. Let's be clear: There are eight ways that you know of, or think you know of, because your Mommy, Daddy, and your geek buddies told you about them. The other 57 ways, you have no clue about. Oh, and by the way, six of your eight ways are simplistic bullshit, and the other two ways, everybody with two brain cells to rub together already knows.

3. Blog lists require an equal balance of verbal and math skills. For example, the ability to count to 10 is fairly commensurate with the verbal wherewithal needed to compose most 10-point blog lists. So if your head hurts after writing up 7 points, that's your little brain telling you to stop there.

4. Blog readers like them.

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4 Reasons Blog Readers Like Lists

1. They can be skimmed easily. Most people don't read this part of the entry; they just read the bolded title, "They can be skimmed easily," and move on to number 2. Reading this far probably means you're either really bored or that you received a perfect score on the reading comprehension portion of the SAT. Congratulations.

2. You can stop at any time. Many people get confused trying to follow a person's idea from one paragraph to the next. Each point in a list is self-contained, so you can stop at any time without getting disoriented or light-headed.

3. Lists make you think the blogger knows what he's talking about. The blogger's "8 Ways to Make Money Online with a Digital Camera and Your Girlfriend" follows in the rich tradition of Moses' 10 Commandments and Woodrow Wilson's 14 Points. This is true even though six of the "8 ways" are bullshit, and the other two ways, everybody with two brain cells to rub together already knows. Which brings us to number 4.

4. Lists tell you things you already know. And who doesn't get a little ego boost from that?

Labels: blogging, blogs, Digg, Media News

1. Because they make you like everyone else.

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BURNED-OUT A-LISTER: Look. You've got it all wrong. You don't need to follow me. You don't need to follow anybody! You've got to think for yourselves. You're all individuals!

B- THROUGH Z-LISTERS: Yes, we're all individuals!

BURNED-OUT A-LISTER: You're all different!

B- THROUGH Z-LISTERS: Yes, we're all different!

ORCHARDO: I'm not.

(Yep -- stolen; er, a tribute.)

Labels: blogging, Life of Brian, Marketing Views

Well, I've looked all over the damn place and I still can't find the cool kids.

Labels: bloggers, blogging, Marketing Views

We're getting tired of people trying to define the word "blog" for us -- because usually the definitions reflect at best an overly narrow and, at worst, a self-serving interpretation of the word.

This has been the case ever since the first ubergeek began writing content in reverse chronological order. In the 10 years since blogging started, we've been told by various self-proclaimed authorities that blogging is:

• a personal diary
  
• a stream-of-consciousness ramble that is "inauthentic" if it has been spell-checked or properly punctuated
  
• an exciting new way to argue with and attack our fellow man -- er, we mean hold a "conversation"
  

Now, of course, blogging has evolved well beyond these limited (and limiting) definitions. We now have group blogs that are similar in content to magazines, blogs that gather or aggregate news around certain topics or interests, and so on and so forth.

And yet, when it comes to corporate blogs, everyone wants to go back to ubergeek rules:

The blog must be written by the CEO, and he must put his name on it, and he must actually write all the words himself, and he must accept criticism in comments and respond to that criticism.

In other words, it should be a personal diary with lots of authentic typos and bad writing, and the CEO should be willing to argue about it with any schmoe who takes 30 seconds to post a negative comment.

Um, excuse us but -- SAYS WHO?

Here's what a blog is: A series of entries on a Web site that appear in reverse chronological order, per the standards of blogging software.

Beyond that, have at it! Do what you want with the format! Change it. Expand it. Adapt it to your specific needs.

If you want a ghostwritten CEO blog, for example, go for it! If it's of value, people will read it. If it's a bunch of PR fluff, they won't -- no matter who composes the words.

CEOs don't have the time (or in many cases the writing skills) to prepare their own speeches, letters to shareholders, and on and on. Same deal with blogs.

Try all you want to hold companies to ubergeek rules; it's just not practical and it's not going to happen.

If you want to create a blog that covers your industry rather than offering the typical company diary, that's fine, too -- even if the blog pharisees criticize you for not adhering to blog orthodoxy. Ultimately, it will be the quality of what you produce that will matter -- not whether your ideas fit into someone else's box.

When working with our clients, we've got one rule -- and only one rule -- when it comes to blogs and online communities:

Be honest. Don't misrepresent yourself.

If you're doing that, you should feel completely comfortable in standing up to your critics and creating your own model of what a blog should be.

We're reminded of something we told Geoff Livingston not too long ago:

Web 2.0 started the way Web 1.0 started. That is, you had a bunch of techies and academics and anti-corporate types running everything and thinking they could make the rules for everybody else. But guess what? They can't. We live in a deregulated market economy -- and ultimately, where there is money to be made, the market will make the rules.

If you want a gold star from the blog pharisees, fine. But the market doesn't go by ubergeek rules; it goes by what the consumer wants. And in the case of blogs, consumers will choose what they read based on the value of the content -- and little else.

Labels: blogging