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Archive for September, 2007

September 30th, 2007

John McCain Announces That for the Month of October, He Will Be an Orthodox Jew


John McCain, who has criticized (and then praised) evangelical Christians, and has announced that he is Episcopalian (and then Baptist), and has said that he would not (and then would) vote for a Muslim to be president, announced today that for the remainder of his campaign, he will be a committed follower of a different religious faith each month.

From Oct. 1 to Oct. 31, McCain said, he plans to be an Orthodox Jew. “I regret that I did not convert in time to celebrate Rosh Hashanah,” he added.

McCain will be Roman Catholic in the month of November. “I am already looking forward to All Saints’ Day and All Souls’ Day,” he said through a spokesperson.

September 29th, 2007

President George W. Bush and the Global Warming Dancers

Say what you will about Dubya, but he can sure put on a good show.

[Bush image by the AP; Flaming Lotus Girls image by John Curley.]

September 29th, 2007

Pick of the Thicket 9.29.07

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September 28th, 2007

Ebenezer Mortimus Michael Medved, in 1858

In all social systems there must be a class to do the menial duties, to perform the drudgery of life. That is, a class requiring but a low order of intellect and but little skill. Its requisites are vigor, docility, fidelity. Such a class you must have, or you would not have that other class which leads progress, civilization, and refinement. It constitutes the very mud-sill of society and of political government; and you might as well attempt to build a house in the air, as to build either the one or the other, except on this mud-sill.

Fortunately for the South, she found a race adapted to that purpose to her hand. A race inferior to her own, but eminently qualified in temper, in vigor, in docility, in capacity to stand the climate, to answer all her purposes. We use them for our purpose, and call them slaves. We found them slaves by the common “consent of mankind,” which, according to Cicero, “lex naturae est.” The highest proof of what is Nature’s law. We are old-fashioned at the South yet; slave is a word discarded now by “ears polite;” I will not characterize that class at the North by that term; but you have it; it is there; it is everywhere; it is eternal.

The Senator from New York [William Seward] said yesterday that the whole world had abolished slavery. Aye, the name, but not the thing; all the powers of the earth cannot abolish that.

God only can do it when he repeals the fiat, “the poor ye always have with you;” for the man who lives by daily labor, and scarcely lives at that, and who has to put out his labor in the market, and take the best he can get for it; in short, your whole hireling class of manual laborers and “operatives,” as you call them, are essentially slaves.

The difference between us is, that our slaves are hired for life and well compensated; there is no starvation, no begging, no want of employment among our people, and not too much employment either. Yours are hired by the day, not care for, and scantily compensated, which may be proved in the most painful manner, at any hour in any street of your large towns. Why, you meet more beggars in one day, in any single street of the city of New York, than you would meet in a lifetime in the whole South.

We do not think that whites should be slaves either by law or necessity. Our slaves are black, of another and inferior race. The status in which we have placed them is an elevation. They are elevated from the condition in which God first created them, by being made our slaves. None of that race on the whole face of the globe can be compared with the slaves of the South. They are happy, content, unaspiring, and utterly incapable, from intellectual weakness, ever to give us any trouble by their aspirations.

Yours are white, of your own race; you are brothers of one blood. They are your equals in natural endowment of intellect, and they feel galled by their degradation.

Michael Medved, in 2007.

[For the Rick Murrays of the world, Ebenezer Mortimus Michael Medved is fictional; the real "Cotton is King" speech was made by James Henry Hammond.]

September 28th, 2007

Edelman Launches Aerial Reputation Management Practice


Beating its large-agency competitors to the punch, Edelman extended its leadership in all things Web 2.0 today by announcing the launch of its Aerial Reputation Management Practice.

The new practice was inspired by the U.S. Navy’s decision to camouflage — at the cost of $600,000 in landscaping and other changes — the appearance of 40-year-old barracks that happen to resemble a swastika when viewed on Google Maps.

“Our research indicates that many large organizations in both the public and private sectors have not given adequate consideration to their aerial reputations,” said Edelman chief Richard Edelman. “We think we should be able to scare up a few bucks off of this one.”

As an example of the challenge that could be facing many Fortune 500 corporations, Edelman’s research team provided the following aerial photograph of Exxon Mobil headquarters:

“While Exxon Mobil’s facility, at ground level, is stately and uncontroversial, from the air it bears an uncanny resemblance to a scientific illustration of carbon dioxide,” Edelman said. “Obviously, this could be a bit awkward if not managed properly.”

For a limited time, Edelman will provide a complimentary helicopter consultation with every Aerial Reputation Management Practice engagement — so call today.

 

 

 
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