"Charlie, Charlie, He’s Our Man! If He Can’t Do It, Nobody Can!"

So alleged “depraved sexual lunatic” Charlie Sheen paid two prostitutes $20,000 to dress up as cheerleaders and chant that?

He didn’t need hookers; he just needed a more enthusiastic publicist.

He also needs a little crisis communications help. Donna Jones, mother of former Texas porn star Chloe Jones [pictured], plans to sue Charlie for allegedly driving Chloe to take her own life.