Occasionally we review our spam folder before deleting it to see if there’s anything useful in it. We found this letter from Karonga Zungu, which is very similar to the appeals we have previously received from Qin Wang, Waheed Kamal, Barrister Frank Sadiq and many others.

Dear One,

My name is Master Karonga Zungu, the son of Mr. Ellies Karonga of blessed memory from Zimbabwe, During the current crises against the farmers in Zimbabwe from the supports of President Robert Mugabe to claim all citizens both black/white farmers farms, who where not his party members and his followers, he ordered all white/black farmers who were not in his party to surrender all their farms to his party members and his followers…

My father was one of the most successful multy farmers in our country and because he did not support Mugabe`s ideas, Mugabes supporters invaded his farm and burnt everything in the farm, killing him and made away with a lot of farming items in my fathers farm. Before his death, my father had deposited with banking firm in (Europe) the sum of (USD $12 MILLION) for buying of new farming materials.But I can’t transfer it, to where i live becouse I’m an Asylum seeker,and not allowed to operate bank accounts, i want to go into arrangement by which i can live in your country and get my money back for benefitable investments.

I have agreed to offer you 10% of the total sum for your assistance as soon as the money gets into your account also 5% has been set aside for all expences onece the money is cleard,any expences incured by you in the act of claiming this funds and making the transfer to your account will be deducted from the 5% before any other step is taken. I want truth and honest to be our watch word in this transaction and please treat this transaction with strictly confidential for the successful out come of it. All I want you to do is to furnish me with your personal full name as in your passport/private phone and fax numbers and also your private e-mail address if any for easy and urgent communication.

Best regards, Your brother in need,

Karonga Zungu

Based on the frequency with which we receive such appeals, we can only assume that the response and conversion rate for these direct e-mail campaigns is very low.

Not surprising, really — it’s too weepy. And who in the United States follows international affairs enough to keep up with Zimbabwe? We don’t think readers of The Economist are the proper target for this kind of appeal.

So we thought we’d rewrite Karonga’s letter for him. Considering all he’s been through, it’s the least we could do:

Dear Scott:

P.S. — Respond now and receive a breathtaking poster-sized photograph of Zimbabwe’s Victoria Falls.

Try that, Karonga. It’s free (and we both know what you get for free in life.)

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