The War on Christmas: We’ve Finally Found Fox News an Opponent

For some time, Media Orchard and others have been amazed at the tenacity of the Fox News Channel’s Bill O’Reilly and John Gibson in their heroic defense of Christmas.

Only one thing about this “Christmas War” has confused us. We’ve never understood who they were fighting.

Everybody likes Christmas. I mean, people might say “Happy Holidays” instead of “Merry Christmas” to be polite (and, if I can say a bad word here, “inclusive”), but that’s not a big deal — is it?

But we were just being naive. There is a war on Christmas — a very scary one.

We know, because we found the opponent. Check out this press release that came across the transom:

Twisted Metal Gods Launch Debut Single

Portland Rockers, Karkis, Unleash Haunting New Track “Secret Satan” in Time for Holidays

PORTLAND, OR (MARKET WIRE) — Head-banging hell-raisers Karkis today launched the first single off their debut album, “Darkness at the End of the Tunnel” on indie label Roadkill Supper Records. With punch-you-in-the-stomach guitar riffs and vocals …, “Secret Satan” leaves Santa crying into his eggnog, and is sure to make youngsters everywhere think twice about hanging their stockings on the mantle…

“Writing ‘Secret Satan’ allowed us to channel our own sordid past to reach those people who, like us, think the holidays are a time of misery,” signed original frontman, Kent Karkis, whose larynx was crushed in a tragic hockey accident and who is now the lead guitarist for the band. “With Karkis, we’re giving those who crave a sound that is harder, more bloodthirsty than what’s out there now the kind of band that’s going to grab people … and introduce them to their new master. Our music is going to change the face of metal forever.”

“Working with Karkis to launch this single has … ruled!” said longtime friend and manager Skip McGinnis, Founder of Roadkill Supper Records. “When I first heard them perform, it was like my insides were being ripped out. But in a good way. Sharing that same death-defying musical experience with fans of truly mind-blowing metal is not only my pleasure, it’s also my duty as a fellow fan and messenger of evil. ‘Secret Satan’ is the single greatest holiday anthem about worshiping the denizens of the lower realms ever!”…

For more information about the band visit their website at www.karkis.net or their myspace page; www.myspace.com/karkis

Hurry, Bill and John! Before it’s too late.

Update: If you were wondering, Karkis is actually a stealth marketing ploy by California-based Ignited Minds. Here’s the story, from Adrants.

(Image via Life Across the Tracks)

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